whatever. maura can snort until all the brain-mucus has left her head and pooled at her feet. i will not respond.

the trevor project I just discovered Will Grayson, Will Grayson by those gods of the letter John Green and David Levithan is the first YA novel with a gay main character to make it to the New York Times Best Seller List. Lee Wind told me this while spreading news of a new online book club for LGBTQ teenagers at The Trevor Project. The first book is Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult, but who cares about that when the book club will officially launch with Will Grayson, Will Grayson on April 29. Woohoo!! Get reading if you haven’t already. I done my homework and how could I not love those two Wills? I did, it’s just Will2’s depression made things somewhat distressing.
Will Grayson, Will Grayson

what could i say? that i didn’t just feel depressed – instead, it was like the depression was the core of me, of every part of me, from my mind to my bones? that if he got blue, i got black? that i hated those pills so much, because i knew how much i relied on them to live?

I have a thing for reading words that could have come from my head. The words in my head continue with something else that I won’t write here.

i couldn’t say any of this. because, when it all comes down to it, nobody wants to hear it. no matter how much they like you or love you, they don’t want to hear it.

Or you’ve told them so many times, the record is well and truly shattered. There was one person I could tell these words to. It was those same words he thought and told me, that killed him. Reading Will2’s thoughts made me think what I thought every time SpiderSam spoke the same words that went through my head,

Excuse me, that’s my line!?

I’m not sure I want the world to know exactly what thoughts circle my head, but whatever. SpiderSam definitely wouldn’t want the world to know. He’s looking down from the sunset he paints every night and wants to slap me upside the face. Lucky for me he lost any say in the matter when he left through the window flying.

he hasn’t realized yet who i am, what i am. i will never be kind back. the best i can do is give him reasons to give up.

When I read the two Wills last August the words ripped me apart. It was my book group’s September title and I couldn’t go cos I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone. But I’m so glad JG and DL made me cry. Not only can gay teenagers be heartened by this beautiful love story, but teenagers with depression can see themselves, and also how other people might react if they tell someone about the lies in their head.

me: i’m always standing on the edge of something bad. and sometimes someone like you can make me look the other way, so that i don’t know how close i am to falling over.

tiny: you know what i can do? …something else. that’s what i can give you. something else.

And yes, they are lies. When you have depression, or pretty much any mental illness, the most important thing is to recognize the lies, then you can work on disbelieving them. Will2 shows how very, very hard this is.

i know it’s not as easy as tiny says it is. but he’s trying so hard. so i surrender to it. i surrender to something else.
even if my heart isn’t totally believing it.

JG and DL do a great service to humanity by imparting this observation for everyone in the universe:

i think the idea of a ‘mental health day’ is something completely invented by people who have no clue what it’s like to have bad mental health. the idea that your mind can be aired out in twenty-four hours is kind of like saying heart disease can be cured if you eat the right breakfast cereal.

And I was saddened to notice the blurb mentions depression, but not the gay characters, only the straight ones. My nephew is on the autism spectrum and sometimes I wonder if it’s worse for him or for me. That blurb reminded me our society thinks it’s worse to be gay than to have depression, or at least gay don’t sell.